The Truth About Self-Confidence: Balancing Boundaries with Compassion

Originally published:  28 January 2025. Last updated: 12 June 2025.

Self-confidence. It’s a term that gets thrown around so often, especially in the age of Instagram-perfect lives and self-help mantras. But what does true self-confidence actually look like?

Self Confidence or Selfish?

I was in a session with a client recently, and this topic came up in such a thought-provoking way. She told me about a friend—someone she also followed on Instagram—who seemed to embody confidence in every way. This friend always put herself first, said no without hesitation, and asked for what she wanted and needed. My client admired her deeply, often wishing she could embody that same ease and self-assurance.

But then, something happened that made her question everything.

When my client went through a major health crisis and was hospitalised, her friend didn’t visit or offer support. It wasn’t because they had drifted apart—this was someone she considered a close friend. But the reason was simple: it didn’t fit into her friend’s schedule or priorities.

My client was left wondering: Is that what self-confidence is? Saying no to everything that inconveniences you, even when it hurts the people you care about?

This conversation opened the door to an important distinction:

There’s a difference between true self-confidence and selfishness disguised as confidence.

The Difference Between Authentic Confidence and Selfishness

True self-confidence doesn’t mean putting yourself above everyone else. It’s not about living a life where your comfort and needs always take priority, no matter the cost to others.

True self-confidence is:

• Knowing your own worth and acting from that place.

• Having the courage to say no to things that don’t align with your values or well-being.

• Living authentically and making decisions that feel right for you.

But here’s the key: true self-confidence also makes space for compassion, kindness, and consideration for the people around you. It doesn’t mean saying yes to everything—it means having the confidence to find balance.

Contrast this with what I’ll call pseudo-confidence:

• A life of putting yourself first at the expense of others.

• Saying no because it’s easier, not because it’s truly aligned with your values.

• Acting from a place of fear, scarcity, or emotional walls rather than authenticity.

Pseudo-confidence often stems from unhealed wounds—blocks, fears, or past experiences that lead someone to protect themselves at all costs. It’s not confidence, it's also not selfishness; it’s self-preservation disguised as strength.

The Balance Between Yes and No

If you’ve ever felt stuck in “yes mode,” constantly saying yes to everyone else’s needs while putting your own on the backburner, you know how exhausting that life can be. You’re people-pleasing, trying to keep everyone else happy, but in doing so, you’re living an inauthentic life that leaves you resentful and drained.

The first step is clearing those emotional blocks and fears that keep you stuck in this cycle. When you do, you’ll find the freedom to say no when it’s right for you—to reclaim your authenticity and live a life you love.

But here’s the thing: breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t mean swinging to the opposite extreme. It’s not about putting yourself above everyone else and shutting out the world. A fear I see a lot with clients is that if they clear emotional blocks with me using Emotion Release Technique they will do or think things that don't agree with, that's not going to happen! In fact that is just another story your blocks are throwing up at you to keep you treading the same path you always have.

True self-confidence will come when you clear the blocks to your authentic self. It looks and feels like:

• Saying no when you need to and yes when it matters.

• Showing up for yourself AND for the people you care about.

• Living authentically while staying open, compassionate, and connected.

It’s a balancing act. But when you do the inner work, you’ll find that this balance starts to come naturally.

Moving Toward True Confidence

Self-confidence isn’t about living in extremes—it’s about finding that sweet spot where you can stand strong in your truth while also being present for others.

If this is something you’re working on, know that it’s possible to find this balance. Clearing those emotional blocks and fears can transform the way you show up in the world—not just for yourself but for the people around you too.

I’d love to support you on this journey in a session. If this resonates with you, book in and let's explore how we can work through those blocks together. True confidence isn’t just about putting yourself first—it’s about stepping into your authentic self, with love and compassion for yourself and others.